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hippie_chickHave you seen the little piggies... Pigs, blood, pigs and more blood! Onward, shall we?
We begin with Shelby pissed off at Matt for the Lady Gaga / Enchantress / Witch-In-The-Woods sex. Matt has absolutely no recollection of any sex or any Witch-In-The-Woods for that matter. Tearfully, he convinces Shelby, and she believes him.
Shelby heads off to take a shower and runs into PIG MAN. Matt comes to her rescue, Pig Man gives chase, then enter Elias (hi again, Denis O'Hare!) who saves them both with a well timed axe throw and invocation of "Croatoan!" Pig Man goes *poof*. But "he'll be back", says Elias. Oh, that's just fantastic.
Elias bears more info for us. The word 'croatoan' , he tells Matt and Shelby, is a "word of dark power and blood magic." The word was left as a message so that others would know where to find the Lost Colony. He then tells them that he is important to them for their very survival. They listen. Elias continues by telling them that anyone who's lived in the house has died. There's the Chens, a Taiwanese family who lived there in 1973. The lot of them were offed by the Butcher and crew. Then there was a group of hunters in the 50s who blew each other's heads off. Then there were the two nurses. Elias says that they visited him in the woods and told him how they died. One of them was drawn and quartered. One of them beheaded. At the hands of The Butcher. Oh and the first to go missing? Edward Phillip Mott, who built the house in 1792. That's Dandy's ancestor, y'all!
One thing links all these deaths. They occurred during the same lunar cycle in October . During that period of six days, the spirits can kill. Guess what? It just happens to be coming upon that cycle! The first quarter moon is that night so if they are leaving they better get gone.
Here's Shelby, STILL thinking it's hillbilly locals trying to scare them away. Matt then mentions Priscilla. Elias says he knows where to find her. Find Priscilla, you find Flora.
OMG they traipse off into the woods again. And it's not long before they encounter the Witch-In-The-Woods (heya, Gaga!) . Shelby's all like OH YEAH, BITCH? And gives chase. She never reaches Gaga Witch but does run into three headless hunters. Here we go, the Blood Moon cycle starts.
Elias and Matt catch up to Shelby. They stand and watch as Flora is playing and frolicking with the spirits, including Priscilla. Elias tries to convince Priscilla to let Flora come back to them, but as he's doing that, he's shot by multiple arrows. Killed? Dunno.
Matt and Shelby turn tail and run back to the house where they find Cricket, who's been waiting for them. He tells them Flora is alive and he is going to go get some answers and leaves. When he gets back to them, he informs them "I met the bitch with the real power." That bitch? It's Gaga Witch. She blinds Cricket, pins him to the ground and says she'll show him Roanoake and the truth about Roanoke . In exchange for Matt.
Cricket is then pulled into the past. Roanoke? It was a thriving colony. They also practiced Gaga Witch's ancient religion which requires blood sacrifice once a year at that Blood Moon. Priscilla is killed with a rock. This is so the blood will sanctify the land as their bodies enrich the soil.
Ambrose, The Butcher's son (heya, Wes Bentley... what an... uh... accent) proposes another rebellion. Remember he tried to rebel against mama before. This will not do with The Butcher. With Gaga Witch whispering words of revenge into her ear, The Butcher fakes a "peace offering" of some fruit. Not just any fruit, special fruit. Are the colonists suspicious at all? Nope. They all eat. And they all die.
The Butcher finishes all of them off, cursing them, binding them to the land forever. She then offers herself to Gaga Witch, who slits her throat. But, it's all good, according to Cricket, all he needs is a spell that can silence The Butcher and the spirits forever.
Back from his trip to the past, Cricket tells Matt and Shelby everything, including telling Matt that he has made a promise to Gaga Witch. That Matt would "satisfy her womanly needs". What?! Yeah, just bone her from here to next Sunday whenever she wants. Cricket then needs to gather some things for the spell. He gets in an Uber. As he asks his handsome driver if he's "ever heard of gay for pay", Flora jumps out in front of the car.
Back at the house, Matt and Shelby become concerned because Cricket still hasn't shown back up. They end up going to bed, which in that house, is never a good idea. They hear noises, and Matt of course gets up to investigate. The noises are coming from the cellar. Matt thinks maybe it's Elias. It's not. It's Gaga Witch and mama wants some lovin'. Awwww she's even created some ambiance. In fact it's a right BOUDOIR down there. Matt tries to resist, but it's futile.
Those fingers in my hair, that sly come-hither stare that strips my conscience bare, it's witchcraft...
We do learn a little about Gaga Witch. She's descended from the Druids. Fearing persecution in her own country she stows away on a ship bound for the New World. On the other side, the soldiers suspect her of being a witch and sentence her to burn at the stake. She seduces and kills one of them, escaping.
Shelby wakes up and goes looking for Matt outside. Before she can find him (and discover him with Gaga Witch) The Butcher and her mob show up. Matt pushes Gaga Witch away and goes to help Shelby. The Butcher has Flora and isn't in the mood for negotiations no matter how much the Millers plead to her. The Blood Moon is here, and it's time for another sacrifice. Just as The Butcher is fixing to slit Flora's throat, Priscilla bashes her head in with a rock (OMG KARMA!) allowing Flora to run to the Millers.
But Cricket. OMG CRICKET. He, uh, doesn't do so well. The Butcher hacks him with a cleaver then disembowels him with a meat hook. You guys, is this the worst death in the series thus far? y/n
She smiles at the Millers.... they're next.
/fin.
With Flora back, they can finally leave. Will they?
What's happening with Lee?
You guys... is... Evan Peters... PIG MAN?!
So many questions.
Also: AHS has been renewed for a 7th season!
Coming up:
We begin with Shelby pissed off at Matt for the Lady Gaga / Enchantress / Witch-In-The-Woods sex. Matt has absolutely no recollection of any sex or any Witch-In-The-Woods for that matter. Tearfully, he convinces Shelby, and she believes him.
Shelby heads off to take a shower and runs into PIG MAN. Matt comes to her rescue, Pig Man gives chase, then enter Elias (hi again, Denis O'Hare!) who saves them both with a well timed axe throw and invocation of "Croatoan!" Pig Man goes *poof*. But "he'll be back", says Elias. Oh, that's just fantastic.
Elias bears more info for us. The word 'croatoan' , he tells Matt and Shelby, is a "word of dark power and blood magic." The word was left as a message so that others would know where to find the Lost Colony. He then tells them that he is important to them for their very survival. They listen. Elias continues by telling them that anyone who's lived in the house has died. There's the Chens, a Taiwanese family who lived there in 1973. The lot of them were offed by the Butcher and crew. Then there was a group of hunters in the 50s who blew each other's heads off. Then there were the two nurses. Elias says that they visited him in the woods and told him how they died. One of them was drawn and quartered. One of them beheaded. At the hands of The Butcher. Oh and the first to go missing? Edward Phillip Mott, who built the house in 1792. That's Dandy's ancestor, y'all!
One thing links all these deaths. They occurred during the same lunar cycle in October . During that period of six days, the spirits can kill. Guess what? It just happens to be coming upon that cycle! The first quarter moon is that night so if they are leaving they better get gone.
Here's Shelby, STILL thinking it's hillbilly locals trying to scare them away. Matt then mentions Priscilla. Elias says he knows where to find her. Find Priscilla, you find Flora.
OMG they traipse off into the woods again. And it's not long before they encounter the Witch-In-The-Woods (heya, Gaga!) . Shelby's all like OH YEAH, BITCH? And gives chase. She never reaches Gaga Witch but does run into three headless hunters. Here we go, the Blood Moon cycle starts.
Elias and Matt catch up to Shelby. They stand and watch as Flora is playing and frolicking with the spirits, including Priscilla. Elias tries to convince Priscilla to let Flora come back to them, but as he's doing that, he's shot by multiple arrows. Killed? Dunno.
Matt and Shelby turn tail and run back to the house where they find Cricket, who's been waiting for them. He tells them Flora is alive and he is going to go get some answers and leaves. When he gets back to them, he informs them "I met the bitch with the real power." That bitch? It's Gaga Witch. She blinds Cricket, pins him to the ground and says she'll show him Roanoake and the truth about Roanoke . In exchange for Matt.
Cricket is then pulled into the past. Roanoke? It was a thriving colony. They also practiced Gaga Witch's ancient religion which requires blood sacrifice once a year at that Blood Moon. Priscilla is killed with a rock. This is so the blood will sanctify the land as their bodies enrich the soil.
Ambrose, The Butcher's son (heya, Wes Bentley... what an... uh... accent) proposes another rebellion. Remember he tried to rebel against mama before. This will not do with The Butcher. With Gaga Witch whispering words of revenge into her ear, The Butcher fakes a "peace offering" of some fruit. Not just any fruit, special fruit. Are the colonists suspicious at all? Nope. They all eat. And they all die.
The Butcher finishes all of them off, cursing them, binding them to the land forever. She then offers herself to Gaga Witch, who slits her throat. But, it's all good, according to Cricket, all he needs is a spell that can silence The Butcher and the spirits forever.
Back from his trip to the past, Cricket tells Matt and Shelby everything, including telling Matt that he has made a promise to Gaga Witch. That Matt would "satisfy her womanly needs". What?! Yeah, just bone her from here to next Sunday whenever she wants. Cricket then needs to gather some things for the spell. He gets in an Uber. As he asks his handsome driver if he's "ever heard of gay for pay", Flora jumps out in front of the car.
Back at the house, Matt and Shelby become concerned because Cricket still hasn't shown back up. They end up going to bed, which in that house, is never a good idea. They hear noises, and Matt of course gets up to investigate. The noises are coming from the cellar. Matt thinks maybe it's Elias. It's not. It's Gaga Witch and mama wants some lovin'. Awwww she's even created some ambiance. In fact it's a right BOUDOIR down there. Matt tries to resist, but it's futile.
Those fingers in my hair, that sly come-hither stare that strips my conscience bare, it's witchcraft...
We do learn a little about Gaga Witch. She's descended from the Druids. Fearing persecution in her own country she stows away on a ship bound for the New World. On the other side, the soldiers suspect her of being a witch and sentence her to burn at the stake. She seduces and kills one of them, escaping.
Shelby wakes up and goes looking for Matt outside. Before she can find him (and discover him with Gaga Witch) The Butcher and her mob show up. Matt pushes Gaga Witch away and goes to help Shelby. The Butcher has Flora and isn't in the mood for negotiations no matter how much the Millers plead to her. The Blood Moon is here, and it's time for another sacrifice. Just as The Butcher is fixing to slit Flora's throat, Priscilla bashes her head in with a rock (OMG KARMA!) allowing Flora to run to the Millers.
But Cricket. OMG CRICKET. He, uh, doesn't do so well. The Butcher hacks him with a cleaver then disembowels him with a meat hook. You guys, is this the worst death in the series thus far? y/n
She smiles at the Millers.... they're next.
/fin.
With Flora back, they can finally leave. Will they?
What's happening with Lee?
You guys... is... Evan Peters... PIG MAN?!
So many questions.
Also: AHS has been renewed for a 7th season!
Coming up:
